Missed calls
by QuiSuisJe
Summary: Olivia discreetly looked around her. Nick was the only detective within earshot, and he was too deep in his files to care about her right now. She picked up her cellphone and dialed the number she knew by heart for a long time now. She waited, and waited, knowing he wouldn't pick up. He never did. Where was he? What was he doing? Always the same questions were obtruding her mind...


**MISSED CALLS  
**

**PLEASE READ ME**

**Hi everyone ! It's been a while since I published the last chapter of my second story "between the lines" and I still don't know what to do with it... I want to keep going, I have a few chapters ready but there's a big hole I can't fill T.T **

**Anyway, here is a oneshot that just crossed my mind. It's kind of EO but not really since it takes place during season 14-15... **

**Like always, I apologize for my writing, I'm not an English speaker so I do my best to make it right but you probably will find mistakes...  
**

**Bronx courthouse  
**  
Brian Cassidy wondered if Olivia Benson was in love in with him.

It had been 8 months since they started dating and he had fallen in love with her a loooong time ago. Sometimes he wondered if he ever had stopped loving her since he first fell for her nearly 15 years ago.

He gave a look at his watch. Half past noon. Lunch break! Brian was sick and tired of his job in the Bronx' courthouse. He missed his old job as a detective. He quickly grabbed his jacket and left. If he was lucky enough, Olivia would be in the precinct, and he could invite her for lunch.

**1-6 Precinct**

Olivia discreetly looked around her. Nick was the only detective within earshot, and he was too deep in his files to care about her right now. She knew Amanda and Fin would come back soon from their lunch break. Now was the good time to make her call. She picked up her cellphone and dialed the number she knew by heart for a long time now. She waited, and waited, knowing he wouldn't pick up. He never did. Where was he? What was he doing? Always the same questions were obtruding her mind.

"Here he is!" Nick shouted out.

"Uh?!" Olivia jumped and her heart missed a beat.

"The man every girl dream about!" Nick warmly greeted Brian.

"You were calling me?" Brian asked cheerful.

"Uh, yeah" Olivia lied.

"It's funny, my phone didn't ring" Brian checked his cellphone and put it back in this pocket.

"I had no signal" Olivia lied again.

"So, what did you want to tell me?" Brian asked.

"Oh, nothing specific" Olivia brushed off, feeling more and more uneasy. "Just wanted to say hi"

It took everything Brian had in him to repress the grin Olivia elicited in him. He saw her not 4 hours ago when she left her bed to go to work, and she already missed him. Plus, she never called him just to say hi before. In his mind, it could only mean one thing. Olivia was finally in love with him. He slipped an arm around his girlfriend's shoulder and turned to Nick. "Can I borrow your partner?" he asked.

Nick raised an eyebrow "What for?"

"I thought I could take my girlfriend to lunch. There is this French restaur-"

"You don't have to say more" Olivia cut him off. "I'm in." She stored her gun and her badge in the drawer of her desk. "You'll be ok on your own Nick?"

Nick opened his mouth but Brian cut him before he had a chance to utter a word. "Robin is a big boy. He'll manage". He winked at Nick and turned around, leading Olivia to the elevator.

Olivia shrugged and gave a not too sorry look at Nick before following Brian. She was gathering her stuff when Nick's phone rang. "Amaro… Yes… Where?... Ok we're on it". The couple was just about to leave when Nick hang up, stood up and held Olivia back.

"Sorry to ruin your fun guys but we have a vic waiting for us at Mercy's" he said.

"Damn!" Olivia cursed. "Sorry Bri". She gave him a genuine apologetic look.

Brian caressed her cheek and gave a weak smile. "Don't worry babe. I know how it is. Rain check?"

"Definitely!" Olivia was so relieved to have a boyfriend who was actually able to understand her job.

"Will you come over tonight?" he asked playfully.

"Sure. My shift ends at eight. I'll buy chinese on my way".

"Great. See you". Brian kissed her. "I love you" he whispered loud enough to be sure Olivia heard him.

"See you" Olivia answered.

This time, it took everything Brian had in him to hide the disappointment Olivia elicited in him. He gave her a weak smile and waved her goodbye before leaving the bullpen.

Nick who missed nothing of this conversation raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Olivia coldly asked, daring him to answer.

"Nothing" Nick brushed off.

"Let's go". Olivia picked up her badge and gun and walked out the squad room.

_A month later_

It had been a month since Brian had shared his feelings with Olivia. Since then, they had a lot of very good moments. Romantic restaurants, walks in central park, even a whole week-end out of town. But Olivia never took the opportunity to say it back, and Brian never dared saying it again. He didn't want to scare her or hustle her. Brian was not a very patient man. But he knew Olivia was not the type to open up that easily, and he knew she was definitely worth the wait!

**One night, Brian's apartment**

Brian was lying in bed, holding Olivia against him, his legs intertwined with hers. He was happy. He could spend his entire life lying like that with the woman he loved. When nature called him, he got up and heard Olivia groaning at the loss of his warm body. He chuckled and closed the bathroom door behind him.

In the bed, Olivia yawned loudly, stretched her arms and legs, and rolled on her back, waiting for Brian. She stood there for a while, staring at the ceiling, and since Brian was taking his time, she blindly reached for her phone on the nightstand. She felt the alarm clock, the bedside lamp, and the almost finished Game of Thrones book that she had started only four days ago. But she couldn't find her phone. She turned around and checked under her pillow. Nothing.

"Shit!" she cursed.

"What's wrong?" She heard Brian asking behind the door.

"I can't find my phone" she whined.

In the bathroom, Brian was washing his hands. He smiled and rolled his eyes. Olivia was so distracted that she would always lose or forget something. Her keys, her phone, a pen, the remote… Last week, she was talking on the phone with Alex Cabot, a glass of wine in the hand. When she hung up, she couldn't remember where she put her glass, and found it hours later, on top of the fridge. Brian smiled at this memory, and whipped his hands. Then a reflection caught his attention. Olivia's phone was next to the sink. He unlocked the phone to check the time and accidently fell on her call log. Saying that the last call surprised him would be an understatement. _Outcoming call to Elliot_. Brian frowned. Olivia still had contact with Elliot? Why didn't she ever mention it? Brian scrolled and was stunned by what he found out. Olivia had called Elliot every single day, and each call lasted 15 seconds, which could only mean one thing: Elliot never picked up the phone.

"Bri?" he heard Olivia call out.

"Yeah I'm coming." Brian locked the phone, left the bathroom, handed the phone to Olivia and went back to bed next to her without saying a word. He was frustrated.

"You ok?" Olivia inquired.

"Yeah". Olivia wasn't really convinced but said nothing and cuddled him. A few minutes passed in a total silence when Brian spoke again. "Are you happy?"

The question took Olivia by surprise. "Sure"

"I mean, are you happy with me?" Brian insisted.

Olivia sat up straight to face Brian. "Of course I am. I've spent all my free time with you for the last two months at least. I mean, every night, whether I come over here, or you come to my place." Brian was still staring at the ceiling and Olivia had to take his cheek in her hand to force him to look at her. "Hey… I wouldn't be here if I wasn't happy."

"Ok". He scooted over to his side and closed his eyes. But tonight, he wouldn't be able to fall asleep.

The next day, Brian was determined to make Olivia forget everything about Elliot's existence. They were having breakfast together, and as Olivia was taking a sip of coffee, her eyes half closed and her messy hair, Brian thought she couldn't be more beautiful. "You know… I was thinking about something".

"Oh, did you?" Olivia smirked, stealing the last doughnut.

"Haha very funny"

"So, shoot" Olivia said biting on her doughnut.

"Like you said yesterday, we spend every night together, whether here or at your place" Brian said, whipping the icing sugar off Olivia's face.

"Mhmhm" Olivia replied, her mouth full.

"So I was thinking… maybe you could leave some stuff at my place."

Olivia frowned and swallowed. "Stuff?"

"Yeah, you know… A toothbrush, shampoo… thongs" he smirked.

Olivia burst into laughs. "I don't really see the point in bringing thongs here when all you want is to rip them off me as fast as possible."

"I still appreciate the view" playfully answered.

Olivia elbowed him gently.

"I'm serious Liv. What do you think?"

"I think… I'm gonna need a drawer". Olivia smiled at him.

**A month later, Olivia's apartment**

"Can you give me the brown bag please?" Olivia asked Brian, picking clothes on her dressing.

Brian looked around and asked "What bag?"

"Under the bed" Olivia said.

Brian bent down to look under the bed. It was dark and he couldn't find the bag, so he used his phone as a flash light and found the bag behind a box. On the box, he could read "Elliot stuff". Irritated, he pushed it to the side, grabbed the bag and handed it to Olivia. Olivia threw a few clothes in the bag and went to her bathroom to do her laundry.

Brian followed her, stopped at the threshold and crossed his arms. "Why don't you do it at my place?" he asked.

"Because I don't want to take an extra bag to wash them in your apartment and bring them back here" Olivia answered gathering more stuff.

"Then leave them at my place".

"I already have half my clothes at your place. When I'm here I don't know what to wear. If I keep doing that, my apartment will be empty soon."

"That's the point" Brian stated. Olivia froze and her silence was shouting everything he needed to know. But still. He had to know for sure. "Two months ago, I told you I love you" he said.

Olivia turned around to face him but when she met Brian's upset eyes, she lost her composure. "…uh, yeah" she weakly said.

"You didn't say it back" Brian stated, defeated.

Olivia cleared her throat and looked down. "I know…"

Brian was getting more and more frustrated by Olivia's shitty answers, and went straight to the point. "Do you love me?"

Olivia crossed her legs, uneasy, and ran her hands through her hair. "I-I don't know what to say to you…"

"A simple yes or no will do"

Olivia sighed. "Look… I don't even know what love looks like. It's not a word I often heard or said in my life. I mean, even with my mother. There was more cries and resentment than hugs and love."

"You want to know what love looks like?" Brian scoffed. "Well… let's say, it's like when a woman keeps calling every-single-day a man that she knows damn well won't answer, just to hear his voice through the voicemail". Olivia's mouth dropped to the floor. "For two years" Brian added.

"N-no Bri. I don… It's not like that" Olivia stammered.

"The hell it's not!" Brian shouted, then turned around and walked back to the living room.

Olivia ran after him, appalled. "It's not about his voice Bri! I mean, his voicemail is prerecorded, that's not why I call him!"

Brian abruptly stopped and turned back to face her. "Then why? You still hope he's gonna pick up?"

"No! You don't understand!"

"Then tell me! If that's not love, what is it?"

Olivia took a deep breath. She didn't want to talk about it. But she knew she had to, if she didn't want to lose Brian. She owed him the truth. "As long as his number is not disconnected, I'm sure he's still alive". She thought Brian would understand, but seeing the look Brian gave her, she immediately regretted saying that.

"And why do you care? He left without looking back. He just dumped you!" Brian spat.

"He's been my partner for twelve years for god's sake! I won't stop caring just like that!"

"Well you should!" Brian grabbed his jacket and left without another word.

Defeated, Olivia leaned against the wall and closed her eyes, remembering a seven-year-old conversation.

_Flashback_

_On it's seventh year, Olivia and Elliot's partnership hit the bottom. Elliot, who was going through a divorce, was obnoxious to everyone, and for some reason, especially Olivia. After a particularly tough case, Elliot and Olivia went to each other throat in front of the whole squad, not agreeing on the punishment their perp deserved. Cragen cut this scene short by sending both of them home and when Olivia came back the next day, she was surprised to find Elliot's desk empty. She went straight to her captain's office to ask him about it, and Cragen answered that Elliot took personal days off. After not hearing from her partner for five consecutive days, she decided enough was enough and ran to his apartment at the end of her shift._

"_Olivia? What are you doing here?" Elliot asked, mid accusation on his voice._

_Olivia stormed past him, obviously pissed off and let herself in. "What am I doing here?! You son of a bitch! I've been trying to reach you for days. You wouldn't pick up. I started to think you may have changed your number."_

"_You're kidding? I've had this number since I got my very first cellphone. I'll keep it till the day I die"…_

The next day, Olivia went to Brian's apartment to apologize for not telling him about Elliot, and to give him a much-needed explanation.

After the shooting, Olivia had tried her best to be understanding and give Elliot the space she knew he needed – which hadn't stopped her from calling him to tell him she was there if he needed anything, but of course, he never answered. She had waited and waited in vain for him to give news. When Cragen told her Elliot put his papers in, she finally understood he would never call back. It took everything she had in her to repress the urge to break into his house and kick his ass for leaving her the way he did, literally abandoning her, and for leaving at all. That's when she remembered this conversation they had seven years earlier. And that's when she decided to call him every day until he picks up his damn phone, or until his line is disconnected, which would mean only one thing to her. _"I'll keep it till the day I die"_.

Olivia opened up to Brian and told him that this abandonment had left her vulnerable and that she didn't feel ready for living with him. This was too much of a huge step. Brian agreed to slow down, and things slowly went back to normal. Of course Brian still wasn't very pleased with Olivia calling Elliot, but she never did it in front of Brian, and Brian never mentioned it again.

**2 months later (after William Lewis mistrial), beach house**

**(A/N: what's written in italics is the script from the episode 15x01 Surrender Benson. If you haven't seen it yet, what are you waiting for ?!). **

"_Hey. Hey you. You're out cold, are you? I haven't called anybody yet. I think I want you to suffer first. Maybe I could burn you or cut you. Or I could use the blowtorch on you. But you might enjoy that too much. See, you-you'd know what to do. Your whole life, you know what you want, and you just do it. What I want to do… I want to shoot you in the head, right now, watch you bleed out. Or maybe that's too easy. My old partner, he'd know what to do. He wouldn't question himself after what you've done. He would kick your teeth in, break your legs, break your arms, break your back, break your face. Maybe I should call him. Maybe I should get him to use that metal bar on you huh? And make beg for your life!"_

"_Then do it! Do something. Please, God that speech, that's the saddest thing I ever heard in my life."_

"_Shut up."_

"_Your old partner would know what to do, I would know what to do, and you just stand there wondering what to do."_

"_I will hurt you."_

"_Then take the cuffs off."_

"_Stop talking."_

"_Or what? You gonna shoot me? You don't have it in you. You want to, but you can't, 'cause you're a nice girl."_

"_You don't know who you're dealing with."_

"_That old partner or yours, well, he sounds very macho, doesn't he?_

"_No"_

"_It must have been tough for you. All those long nights alone in the car."_

"_You don't get to talk about him."_

"He did you, didn't he?"

"No."

"Oh I bet he did, and still does. You still want him. I can hear it in your voice. It's Elliot, isn't it?" When Olivia stopped pacing and gave him a killing glare, Lewis knew he was right. "I googled you when you were knocked out in your apartment." Olivia closed her eyes and shook her head. She was hit by a wave of dizziness. She leaned against the wall, and slipped on the floor. "You used to be quite crime fighters" Lewis chuckled. "I couldn't believe it considering your poor attempt to catch me. What happened to you? Can't work without him?" Still cuffed to the bed frame, Lewis tried with difficulty to turn around to see Olivia. "Not very talkative huh? I know, it's all those drugs on your system. Don't worry, you'll get used to it. Anyway. I also searched your phone and found his name on it. Repeatedly. Does your boyfriend know you fuck another guy? No, he probably doesn't. Because you're very careful, right? No text message, no voicemail. But all those calls. Fifteen seconds every day… So how does it work? Is it a code? Like 'meet me in 15, same place'?"

"Shut up" Olivia ordered, still eyes closed on the floor.

But Lewis wasn't listening to her. "That's smart. But you should clean your call log or you're gonna get caught. Or maybe you want to get caught."

"Shut up!" Olivia repeated, louder this time.

"Hmm, I'm wondering… maybe he knows. Maybe you like a good threesome every once in a while."

"SHUT UP" Olivia shouted, as she was slowly recovering.

Lewis burst into laughs. "I knew it. You're a wild pussy. Elliot must be a good fuck for you to keep coming back to him every day".

Olivia quickly got up, rushed next to the bed and pointed her gun at Lewis' face. "You shut your mouth now or I make you eat my gun". She was getting tired of listening to his crap. Now was time to make him regret messing up with her. But she still didn't know how.

Lewis chuckled and raised his hands in surrender. "Ok, got it. Elliot is off limits. So. What now? Are you gonna make empty threats all night, or will you uncuff me so we can get down to business? You know, you can close your eyes and pretend that I'm Elliot, I'll go with it". Olivia lowered her gun, ran her bleeding hands through her face and staggered to the drawer dresser. She released the gun and tried to calm down. "I'm surprised he hadn't called you yet" Lewis continued. "You haven't called him in four days now. He must be getting blue balls. Or maybe he just found someone else to scratch that itch for him. Looks like you're not essential. Looks like he doesn't care… Looks like nobody cares" he added barely audible.

Olivia looked up and stared at Lewis' reflection. She felt her whole body burning. Her hands were shaking with pure rage. She saw red, grabbed the metal bar and started to beat Lewis, again and again, letting all out on him. When her muscles were to sore to raise the bar again, she dropped it to the floor and let herself fall next to the bed. She contemplated Lewis' broken body with dead eyes, catching her breath. The beach house was silent, except for Lewis' blood steady dropping, from his mouth, to the floor. The view made her sick. She was feeling nauseous. Olivia got up, ran to the bathroom and threw up in the toilet. She cleaned her mouth and found her phone next to the sink. She unlocked it, dialed her captain's number, and stopped before hitting the calling button. She deleted it and dialed Elliot's number instead. _Please, please Elliot, answer_ Olivia silently pleaded. But her prayer wasn't answered. She hung up, frustrated, and finally called her captain.

**2 months later, Brian's apartment**

The following months after Lewis attack were hard. Olivia slowly recovered from her trauma, one day at a time, some days harder than others, but she never broke. Because that's who Olivia Benson was. No matter what. She. Never. Broke. She didn't break when her mother used her as a punching bag. She didn't break when she found out about her father. She didn't break when her male colleagues looked down on her at the police academy. She didn't break after Lowell Harris assaulted her. She didn't break when Elliot left. And she decided William Lewis would not be the one to break her.

One day, Olivia was zoning out on the couch, at a reasonable distance from Brian who was watching an old movie, when she was suddenly snapped out of her trance by a gunshot. She looked up at the screen and saw a dead body at the feet of a very proud county sheriff. She was grateful Brian hadn't noticed her jumping out of her skin, feeling stupid, and took the opportunity to make her usual call, since Brian was not paying attention. She got off the couch, walked to the kitchen, pressed the call button and instantly froze. She started to shake uncontrollably and kept whispering "no, no, no…".

It took only a few seconds for Brian to realize something was seriously wrong. He ran next to her, but didn't touch her, thinking she was having a flashback from her kidnapping. "Liv what is it?" he asked softly, his voice full of concern.

Horrified, Olivia couldn't utter a word. Tears streaming down her face, she put the speakers on and pressed her shaking free hand on her mouth. _The number you have entered has been temporarily disconnected, changed, or is no longer in service._ Olivia closed her eyes, dropped her phone and fell on her knees. She was broken. Crying for dear life.

Never in his whole life, had Brian seen so much desperation. The woman in front of him was such a strong person. After the nightmare she just lived, she went through hell and back with so much determination to get her life back. After Lewis, Olivia got up. After this phone call, the woman in front of him, the ghost of the woman he was so deeply in love, looked like she was ready to give up everything, like she wanted nothing more than to die here and now.

That's when Brian knew for sure that Olivia would never fall in love with him.

**Fin.**

**Please tell me what you think about it :) I know it's short but the idea just popped in my mind and I wanted to give it a try ^^**


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